It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
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me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.