[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
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Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
A leaf blower, but for people.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I can’t be the only one 😂
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking