[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
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When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?