My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
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CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
This did not end as expected.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.