i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
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Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Deer are just ballerina dogs
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY