Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
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When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.