Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
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Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Banking tips
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?