What the hell happened here.
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if a cop pulls u over play dead
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”