Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
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I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face