Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
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That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.