Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
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why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
My hips? Compulsive liars.