I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
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life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
For the baby who has everything
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body