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Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?