[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
You Might Also Like
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
What’s so funny?
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.