911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
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They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅