First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
You Might Also Like
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?