I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
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I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
🦝🔥🦝🔥
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth