I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
You Might Also Like
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
do what now??
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible