Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
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What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.