Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
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*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
6. me as a lawyer
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”