Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
You Might Also Like
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.