[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
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Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I know
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”