When you “pspspsp” too hard
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Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.