Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
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My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
My wedding will be open casket.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.