peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
You Might Also Like
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
scrabbled eggs
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?