When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
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dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
and this one
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut