First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
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‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Sorry not sorry.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.