a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
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Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?