I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
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School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
My dryer is celebrating lint.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Go hard or stay average
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.