I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
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If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I feel it
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.