Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
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I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
When you kidnap a writer.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Not my job 😂
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
These work great until they don’t.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this