If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.