I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
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Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”