Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
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Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.