Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
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ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.