What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
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The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship