Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
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dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Who does Amazon think I am?
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.