Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
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This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
yes… yes…
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks