HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
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Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
seems like a niche market
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
set yourself free xox
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
This is amazing.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday