I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
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If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
In Canada they just call them geese
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today