why would tinder want me to say this
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My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
guilty
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.