They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
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Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Ah..makes sense now
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”