I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
You Might Also Like
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.