How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
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Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.