the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
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I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.