as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
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*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns