Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”