I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
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My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Bro what is this
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”