Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
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Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
english majors be like furthermore
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?