Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
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Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.